A little over five years ago, I left my hometown of Chicago for Kansas City to be with the love of my life (and now wife) and her daughter, her special needs daughter, no less. Why did I mention that last part? Well, partly because I’m a jackass, but mostly because I want you to know that I really am a good guy, even though you’re about to read some super snarky shit.
So, here goes…
The first thing you need to know when I say “Kansas City” is I’m talking about Kansas City, Missouri, not Kansas City, Kansas. Even though they are right next to each other, like directly next to each other. Both KCs are divided by – get this – a street called State Line Road.
But here’s how you tell them apart: KCMO has all of the good stuff. The Royals, the Chiefs, the Downtown, art museums, the marathon – everything you imagine about Kansas City takes place on the Missouri side. The Kansas side, well, that’s like a more depressing Detroit. It’s both dangerous and boring and I would never go there if not for my brother’s in-law owning a bar there. It’s called Briet N’ Stein’s (a play on the owner’s last name Breitenstein). It’s actually a GREAT bar and I suggest you go there when, for whatever god forsaken reason, you come to town.
Think of it like this: KCK and KCMO are conjoined twins, where KCMO is the fully formed, functioning one, and KCK is the mutant head and limbs poking out of KCMO’s torso. And while there’s no good reason for KCK to stick around, they both share the same heart and lungs – so while KCK just leeches off of KCMO – removing KCK would just kill the whole thing. They need each other to live in some horrible mutant symbiosis. It’s a cluster fuck of a confusing mess and no God fearing surgeon would ever take it on.
A very important thing to understand about Kansas City is that it’s a Southern town. Don’t let the maps fool you, this is not the Midwest, this is the South for all intents and purposes. All of its cultural cues – from the cuisine (BBQ), the music (Country), even the way people speak (a definite twang) – is Southern. Even the heat is Southern, high 90s/low 100s with 75% humidity is par for the course from June through September. In fact, I really don’t think KC gets enough credit for the heat. Someone should get on that. Oh wait, I’m on it.
Kansas City views everything through a very Southern lens; it’s intensely religious and Republican as hell. Moving here was the first time I had met someone in their twenties with genuine, hard line republican views. It freaked me out. Outside of my friends and my cool neighbors, I try to avoid anything that could veer into the political. It’s just not worth it.
For example, I once mentioned that I don’t think men should have a say in abortion rights or what women can and can’t do with their own bodies, to which this guy who I respect and like said, “That’s bullshit, what if my wife decided to get an abortion? Don’t I have a say in that?”
I was dumbstruck.
“Really dude? Your wife? You’re honestly worried that your wife, who you’ve had three kids with, would get an abortion?”
“That’s not the point,” he replied. I should have just shut up.
But not everything here is frustrating.
Life is a lot slower here and I like that. Bars stay open until about 1 AM and that’s a perfect amount of late. Businesses close on Sundays and Mondays, and in general, nobody is in all that big of a rush which may have been an issue in my twenties but, as a 35-year-old, it’s goddamned great.
You can actually park in front of a restaurant, bar, park, friend’s house, wherever. I mean, literally, you can park there, right out front, FOR FREE! Oh, and the prices… you can actually still get a beer for $1. Cigarettes cost about $4. And a real brick and mortar two floor house with a basement? That’ll run you around $120K. I have friends in Chicago who’ve paid twice as much for a garden condo. The cost of living is unbelievable and it continues to shock me when I go home. I mean, in Chicago, I’ll could spend $80 and not be drunk! Outrageous. Living in Kansas City is like perpetually being the guy who knows all the secret discounts, only they’re not secret.
Another endearing thing is that trends catch on about 5-10 years late here — like brick oven pizza and Apple stores. People are really into that shit here. Still, everyone has tattoos here including moms, dads, grandpa’s, nurses, doctors, the veterinarian – EVERYONE. And the best part is most of them are totally the wall flash dragons or salamanders covering most tattoo parlors’ walls. It’s like half the city showed up to the same place and agreed, Let’s go with the fucked-up turtle.
There’s also a definite wild-west vibe here. It’s kind of lawless and there’s a constant voice in the back of my head saying “Go for it.” Take, for example, the riverfront park. You can literally walk down to the water and drown your ass. That shit would never fly in Chicago. Here, you can legally drink as a passenger in a car! You can set off high-grade fire works where ever you want. You can conceal and carry. You can basically shit in the middle of the street and, if you seem decent enough, get away with it.
Mostly because no one is ever outdoors, everyone drives. If I had to name Kansas Citians favorite place it’d be indoors — most likely shopping for Affliction T-shirts and fedoras. Or eating ribs. Or at church. Wherever it is, Kansas Citians like climate controlled. After all, it gets hotter than hell here.
But please don’t get me wrong. I love it here. I really do. There are few places in this world where I come off as a level-headed, take-charge dude. Here, in KC, I’m a goddamn neighborhood president. Literally. I own a great home, and have a wonderful life with a wife I am head over heels in love with and step daughter who means everything to me. And KC is where, and how, all this awesomeness happened.
Now where are those fireworks? I’ve got a driveway to char.
Stay tuned for Part 2—How to drive In Kansas City…
Matt Lowe is a native Chicagoan currently living in KC with his wife, Rebecca, and step daughter, Josephine. Currently working in public relations, he has had success as a comedic actor and was the creator of Tug Quarterly. Matt is a graduate of Columbia College Chicago, has worked for WLS- AM, The Loop and Radio Disney (where he went by the name DJ PB and Jams). He also loves hip-hop, making his own robots, and pointing out how weird life can be in KC.