By Sharon Goldberg

Dear President Trump:

Congratulations on your historic victory.

I admit I watched the election returns in shock and disbelief, thinking maybe I was having a really bad, thrash and moan, elbow-your-partner-in-the-ribs dream and would wake up in the morning to learn, of course, Hillary was the winner. However, since I respect our democratic process, accept the will of the people, and have learned it’s not that easy to move to Canada, I would like to make amends.

First and foremost, I apologize for my short story “The Return of Emma” which was published in an online journal. In this modern fairytale, you get into an argument with Emma Lazarus, choke on your own words, then die. I’m sorry. Bad joke. Not nice. Hurtful. I hope you won’t hold my inconsequential fiction against me and tweet over and over that I’m a nasty woman and no-talent writer who you’ll sue for libel. Let’s get on with our lives as you urged with regard to Russian interference in our election process.

I also regret that while shopping at Ross Dress for Less, I refused to even consider buying an Ivanka Trump brand dress I saw on the rack. I’m so sorry. The sheath was lovely and I should have been proud to wear it, although I am certain it would look much more attractive on Ivanka. As you mentioned on the Howard Stern Show, she’s always been very voluptuous, and you don’t mind if Howard refers to her as “a piece of ass.” I hope you won’t take my shameful retail episode personally and will understand it does not fully represent my character. My longtime friend, the Executive Vice Chairman of the Republican Party in the Ohio (red state!) county where I grew up, can vouch for me and confirm I am a caring human being who is willing to acknowledge errors in judgement even though I am a registered Democrat.

In addition, I want to mention that I, like your daughter, son-in-law Jared, and their adorable children, am Jewish. I’m a life member of Hadassah, the women’s Zionist organization, and, like you, a supporter of Israel, although not a fan of Benjamin Netanyahu. If you decide to create registries of objectionable people other than Muslims—feminists, environmentalists, climate change supporters, for example—I hope our Judaic connection will earn me a pass.

Finally (full disclosure), I acknowledge I was appalled when I watched the video in which you bragged about grabbing a woman’s pussy. Now that you’re in the Oval Office, I guess I should feel flattered if you choose to grab mine. How many women can brag they were groped by the leader of the free world?

Respectfully yours,

Sharon Goldberg

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Sharon Goldberg lives in Seattle and was once an advertising copywriter. Her work has appeared in The Gettysburg Review, The Louisville Review, Cold Mountain Review, Under the Sun, Chicago Quarterly Review, Gold Man Review, The Antigonish Review, three fiction anthologies, and elsewhere. Sharon was the second place winner of the 2012 On the Premises Humor Contest and Fiction Attic Press’s 2013 Flash in the Attic Contest. She is an avid but cautious skier and enthusiastic world traveler.