BY ILANA MASAD

Chapter 1: Lupus at a Glance

This guide describes lupus, as well as several related autoimmune diseases. To check your type of autoimmune disease, refer to your packaging material.

Lupus Overview

Your aches and pains may vary depending on the body you have, and on your location, language, and method of communicating your symptoms. To find out which methods are supported in your area, see: www.look-around-and-figure-out-which-country-you-are-in.com/bilingual/language-barrier

Accessories

The following symptoms are included as accessories of lupus:

• Extreme fatigue (tiredness) – use your commute time on the subway to and from work to nap. Once diagnosed, stop going to work altogether and spend your time in bed, as shown in diagram 1a.
• Headaches – use this accessory to get out of plans you’ve made but don’t want to keep. Prior to diagnosis, prepare to be disbelieved.
• Painful or swollen joints – use this to get out of gym class if you are a teenager, although the likelihood of being taken seriously at this age is not guaranteed. If you are in your forties and fifties, use this accessory to fit in with your middle-aged peers.
• Other accessory symptoms vary according to the body you have. For more information, go to www.lupus.org

Multi-Year Process

A few simple comments you make at dinner with your mother will lead to a bevy of blood tests that will determine that it’s all in your head. This is just what you need in your life right now. Another reason to believe you are crazy.

Sleep/Wake Button

You don’t have one of these. Some bodies do. To apply for a model switch, apply in writing at www.there-is-no-justice.com and expect a response at exactly the end of your lifespan.

Lock your lupus by remembering you probably don’t have it.

Unlock your lupus by pressing the Home button on your phone and calling your mother. She is not a hypochondriac but she does worry.

Turn your lupus on by holding down all thoughts disconnected from your to-do lists until you have worked so hard for so many days that your broken-down head gives your body an un-diagnosable disease.

Turn your lupus off by holding down the thoughts about lupus until they go away. Freud was wrong about denial. It is supported by customizable therapies.

If you don’t touch your thoughts for two minutes, they will shut themselves off. You can change the shutdown interval or set a passcode to unlock them by using the Mindful Meditation menu.

Home Button

The Home Button brings your mother’s voice back to your ear at any given time before 5PM when it is midnight where she lives and too late to call. The Home Button also provides convenient shortcuts, such as:

Go to Home Screen – By pressing the Home Button, you can arrange a Skype date.

Home Screen – On the Home Screen, you can visualize your mother’s face and your cat’s meows.

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: You cannot touch, smell, or taste through the Home Screen. Lupus may affect your senses, but the Home Screen sensors support only aural and visual communication.

Getting Started – Set up Lupus

Once you have been diagnosed with lupus, follow the instructions in the packet handed to you by the rheumatologist. The Health & Happiness packet guides you through the shock process, including:

-Connecting with family and friends

-Signing in to clinics and support groups

-Entering your name into online dating websites

-Setting up accounts at medical marijuana dispensaries

-Turning on your lights for the first time in three days

-Calling your mother to give her the news

During shock, it is recommended to contact Customer Support at www.lupus-customer-dissatisfaction.com/shock/five-stages-of-grief.

Resorting to popular media during shock is recommended. A full range of resources can be found on page 9. Example categories include: Rom-Coms for the Lonely, Tragic Books, Eat Your Feelings In Five Easy Microwaveable Steps, and more.

If you don’t have access to a consenting human being during Shock, you are encouraged to use your preferred web browser and search engine to seek out pornography when hormonally prompted. For help connecting to your sexual drive see page 16 (Connect to Your Sex Drive).

Lupus ID

Your lupus ID is the way you will come to be known. You only need one ID in order to access all services and that is your lupus ID, also known as your Chronically-Ill-ID. It will inform your peers and your colleagues of your status. It will validate that you are not crazy. It will remind you that you will die young. It will remind your mother that you may die before her.

There may be charges for services and treatments associated with your lupus, specifically those intended to extend, expand, broaden or give comfort to your life.

Sync with the Universe

Syncing with the Universe includes any or all of the following:

-Religion

-Yoga

-Veganism

–The Secret

Syncing with the Universe may assist in emotional and physical well-being.

This company takes no responsibility for the help or harm Syncing with the Universe may produce. This is a sponsored item and bears no relation to or affirmation of the content of this handbook. For alternative measures of treatment covered in this handbook, turn to page 42.

THE FREE SAMPLE OF THIS E-BOOK ENDS HERE. TO PURCHASE THE FULL HANDBOOK, LOG IN TO YOUR ACCOUNT AND CLICK ON THE 1-CLICK BUY BUTTON BELOW.

________________________________________________________________________

Ilana Masad is an Israeli-American writer and editor living in NYC. She has been published in Printers Row Journal, Tin House, and other venues in print and online. You can find her at ilanamasad.com, slightlyignorant.com, and @ilanaslightly. Her newest venture is The Other Stories podcast; she is actively seeking submissions (more info at theotherstories.org).