By Daniel Shapiro, BFA

According to the latest research found in The American Journal of Anthropology and Sociology, everyone living in America is either outwardly racist or unwittingly benefiting from a racist system.  Everyone, that is, except me. The article states:

“America was founded on racism, and will continue to be racist as long as it exists. The only exception to this is Daniel Martin Shapiro.”

Dr. George Stuart, a renowned expert in the field, goes on to say,

“The media is making all races in America hate each other in order to perpetuate the existence of the one percent. An exception to this seems to be Daniel Martin Shapiro.  He’s not falling for the current trend, and we’re not sure why.”

But what is it about me that makes me so special?

This is an excellent question and, perhaps, the only question worth asking.  For starters, because I didn’t pay attention in class, I wasn’t indoctrinated by our racist school system.  Next, I judge others not by the color of their skin, but by the color of their stool and urine. That way I can make sure everyone is keeping healthy.

You might be asking, How can I be more like Daniel Martin Shapiro?

This is another good question. For starters, I don’t hate anyone but myself. I started a hate group (marches, rallies and newsletters) dedicated to destroying my immutable characteristics. I would kill myself but I don’t want to give myself the satisfaction of killing the person I hate the most.

But hating an entire race, ethnicity or religion?

I don’t think I could do that unless I met all of the members individually. For example, I’m not crazy about Cubs fans but I still believe that being a Cubs fan is a choice, even though science is proving me wrong. Then again, I think science might be right and you are born a Cubs fan. But, who in their right mind would choose to be a Cubs fan? I read in Billy Williams’ biography that if your mother is a Cubs fan, that automatically makes you a Cubs fan. So I’m becoming more sympathetic to their plight.

How are you able to avoid being a part of the systemic racism that still plagues our country and benefits people with your skin color?

First of all, I drink my own urine.  Second of all… well that’s basically it.  It’s hard for someone to call you privileged when your breath smells like piss.

Well, I hope you enjoyed my post. Hopefully things will get better, and all the people of this great country will someday be free from economic exclusivity, injustice, apathy and ignorance.

And it won’t just be me.

Daniel Shapiro, BFA, is a writer/comedian from Wichita, Kansas living in Chicago.  He is currently working on a stage show, a book, and this article.

Photo courtesy of Evan Hanover

Illustration of Daniel Martin Shapiro, BFA, by Alex Nall