I’m an average guy. I live in the suburbs. I’m lucky enough to have a well-paying job as a computer programmer. I have a loving wife. I have two kids that I love very much, but sometimes they drive me up the wall. I’m a normal guy by all accounts. Oh, but there is one unusual thing about me. I can remember what it was like in the womb.
Warm and comfortable. The sounds from the outside world crashed through my mother’s stomach like thunder. I remember when I first opened my eyes. That’s when I first saw her. My twin sister’s fetus.
Pink with large eyes. I felt the need to communicate with her, but as I was a fetus, I couldn’t talk yet. A fetus’s communication skills are stellar and unparalleled. This being the case, my twin sister’s fetus and I were able to quickly develop a language that consisted of us wiggling our bottoms.
One day, my twin sister’s fetus wiggled her bottom to indicate to me that she was bored. I wiggled my bottom to indicate that I was bored, too. She then wiggled her bottom in a way that let me know she wanted to play tug-of-war with her umbilical cord. My twin sister’s fetus wiggled her bottom in a way that said, “Let’s make this more interesting. If I win I get to have sex with you.” Girl fetuses mature faster than boy fetuses, so she already knew what sex was. I, being a boy fetus, had no idea what the hell she was wiggling her bottom about. But I agreed anyway. I would have done anything for her.
So I played tug-of-war with my twin sister’s fetus. Looking back on it I might have let her win. I hadn’t been born yet and was curious about this sex thing she wiggled her bottom about. My twin sister’s fetus pulled me by the umbilical chord closer to her. We rubbed our underdeveloped genitals against each other until I felt a tingling sensation all over my unborn body, but mostly in my mimi. It felt like an itch and a scratch at the same time.
I didn’t think much about this until a couple days later. My twin sister’s fetus complained of a pain in her belly. Inside my twin sister’s fetus’s womb, two fetuses were growing. A boy and a girl. Twins. They learned to communicate. The female fetus said it was bored. The two fetuses played tug-of-war with an umbilical chord. They had sex. A few hours later the female fetus complained of a pain in her belly.
Inside my twin sister’s fetus’s fetus’s womb two fetuses were growing. A boy and a girl. Twins. They communicated. They played tug-of-war with an umbilical chord. They had sex. A few minutes later my twin sister’s fetus’s fetus’s fetus complained of a pain in her belly.
Inside the delivery room my mother gave birth to me. I was a healthy, eight pound, two ounce baby boy. Minutes later, my mother gave birth to my twin sister. She was healthy too, although the doctors quickly noticed my twin sister’s distended belly.
My newborn twin sister then began to give birth to an unhealthy, three pound, underdeveloped baby, which then proceeded to give birth to an underdeveloped, unhealthy, one pound, six ounce baby, which then proceeded to give birth to what can only be described as a giant sperm with a human face.
And they all survived.
Eventually they all moved to Kentucky and formed a bluegrass band. And if you ask me, they sound pretty damn good. Especially when the giant sperm with a face plays the harmonica.
Dan Shapiro is a writer/comedian from Wichita, Kansas. He recently graduated from Columbia College Chicago with a degree in television writing/producing. He is currently a regular at Ray’s Tap Reading Series and P. Fanatics Reading Series. He is gaining notoriety in Chicago for his stylized readings. This piece was partially inspired by the writings of Chris Bower.