1. For a brief moment, you will think you are Beyoncé. You are not Beyoncé. Get this idea out of your head almost immediately. Sure, you are a single lady now, but your hips will never, ever, ever move like that and it’s a danger to yourself and everyone else around you to think otherwise. At this stage in your life, you will not find yourself up in the club, especially not without taking a nap first.
If anyone is going to put a ring on it, then that person is probably going to be you and that ring is probably going to turn your finger green. And the most likely reason for you to be calling out “oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh” is because you’re attempting to squeeze into a pair of too tight jeans again. Don’t even try to pull off a unitard, shimmery nylons and stiletto heels. For God’s sake, you’ve been through enough.
2. You will be asked how you’re doing a minimum of two times in a row. The days of your family and friends believing you when you say you’re doing fine the first time around are over. They will ask you again to be sure. And maybe even one or two more times after that to be extra sure. You should get used to this type of interrogative concern. You cannot be trusted anymore to properly gauge your feelings and emotions. Everyone (except you) thinks you are a disaster. You are falling apart. You are making a mess of everything. Accept it so everyone else around you can move on with their far better lives.
3. On a regular basis, you will be told that you are a strong, independent woman. Your arms will grow tired from the constant fist pumping to Kelly Clarkson rock anthems. The key to getting through this female liberation is to alternate arms and to vary degrees of intensity. Whatever you do, don’t burn your bra. You need this now more than ever.
4. You will start eating things like ice cream or chips and salsa for dinner, because who cares. Food will constantly be going bad in your refrigerator until there’s none left. One person alone can’t possibly win the race against looming expiration dates. All your food must now be frozen and come in its own convenient, microwaveable tray. This is your new, glamorous lifestyle. It will taste better with wine.
5. On the phone, your mother will express concern about you becoming one of those cougars people are always talking about. You will not see this coming. After she says it, you will want to die. Tell yourself she means well and then attempt to change the subject unsuccessfully. There’s no stopping your mother from worrying about you. No matter what you tell her to the contrary, she will grow certain that you are not taking good care of yourself. As a way of counteracting your obviously bad behavior, she will start sending you care packages filled with vitamins and fiber bars. It is important to remember that you will never find love unless you have a strong immune system and a functioning digestive tract.
6. You will not be able to get through a conversation without people wanting to know if you’re getting “out there” yet. It will be unclear where exactly this mystical there is located. Not even MapQuest will be able to direct you. The important thing to know is that you are back on the market now. This could be the free market or the black market or the super market. You will never know for sure. Prepare yourself for anything. Wear comfortable shoes and pack a snack. The faster you can find there, the faster people will leave you alone about getting there. This should be your primary objective.
7. You will receive unsolicited advice on how to meet men. Everyone will know a guy who would be great for you. Of course, none of them will live in your local area, but you have lost the right to be too particular. At work functions, your good-intentioned co-workers will make it their mission to find a random stranger to love you. They’ll consider it a kind of team building event. Your best option in this depressing situation is to smile and attempt in vain to fade into the background when no one is looking. Eventually, though, you will be given the choice between the table of dads who may or may not still be married and the table of twenty-something’s looking to get laid. Finish the rest of your drink and choose to go home alone instead. After all, there will be chocolate bars waiting up for you. It will not be long now before you become a target for online dating sites. They will begin marketing to you directly when you least suspect it. The days of meeting someone in the real world no longer exist. Now you must find your virtual match and then hope he’s not a serial killer as Lifetime movies suggest he most definitely will be. You will hear love stories and horror stories and you will seriously consider getting a cat and giving up entirely. You must remain optimistic that you might not die alone.
8. People will become suddenly concerned with your safety and well-being. Before, you had a buffer between you and danger. Now, you are your sole line of defense. Sure, you have been working out more often and you’re starting to see an almost muscle in your bicep, but you are still just another fragile woman and you are far more at risk for terrible things happening to you. You must frequently check-in with people to let them know that you have not fallen victim to yourself or to anyone else. You should start carrying pepper spray and a rape whistle and maybe even a taser gun. You must stay alert and on edge at all times. If you are not in a constant state of fear and worry, you are doing something wrong.
9. Your reproductive options will become a hot topic of conversation. There are countdown clocks tracking government shutdowns and the end of the world, so it should be no surprise to you that your biological clock is also being tracked by total strangers. Like about-to-expire meat products you have no intention of using anytime soon, it will be suggested to you that maybe you buy yourself some more time by freezing your eggs. You are of no use to anyone unless you are coming up with a good plan on how to have babies or adopt babies or steal babies. You don’t want to end up like poor, rich and beautiful Jennifer Aniston, now do you?
10. You will have to constantly be shaving your legs. Trying to keep your legs continually smooth no matter the temperature will maybe be the worst part about being single again. It’s not that you were a furry she-beast before, but you could at least cut yourself a little slack every now and again. Those days are over. Now you must set unrealistic goals for maintaining and grooming yourself at all times. There’s no other way around it. You and your Twin Lady Bic must be ready for any situation. In the ruthless and cutthroat dating jungle, you are in this together, alone.
Noelle Aleksandra Hufnagel received her BA in Creative Writing from Western Michigan University and MFA in Fiction Writing from Columbia College Chicago. Her writing has appeared in The Allegheny Review, Knee Jerk Magazine, Hair Trigger, Story Week Reader, Zine Columbia, Fictionary, Hypertext Magazine, and elsewhere. When she’s not reading, editing or trying to eke out a living, she divides her time between a blog where she barely ever blogs and a novel that has been in progress for far too long.